The Things That Cannot Be Changed
by bittersweetmelody47
Summary: Outlines the first time Severus saw Lily and how he deals with the tragedy that occurs to the only woman he's ever loved. Spoilers for DH.


**The Things That Cannot Be Changed**

_"Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation."_

--Kahlil Gibran

**I.**

The day he saw her was the happiest day of his life. He knew it was a very silly thing to say, but in his case it was true.

She and another girl (her sister, he supposed, even though they looked nothing alike) frequently visited a small playground during the hot afternoons, the same playground in which he often visited himself, sometimes when he was advised to by his mother, or when he was just simply bored.

The day he actually saw her began as a bad one for him. It was a very sunny day, and he had no desire to venture outdoors. So he stayed in his room, gazing up at the dark ceiling from his bed. His father was out, getting drunk, no doubt, and wasting no time spending their money, and his mother… well, his mother was very quiet most of the time. So he was usually on his own. But he definitely preferred being alone than being around his father on one of his bad days, which was now pretty much every day.

When it happened he was reading one of the very few books he had in his room. He had already read the book about ten times, but he had to have something to do. His father didn't want him to read; anything that Severus found small happiness in doing, his father made sure to take away from him. The only reason he had these books is because his mother snuck them to him once, on a day his father was out once more, and when she did it he had smiled up at her. When she had seen her son's evident happiness, if only brief, she had smiled back, something she did less and less these days. But her eyes, the same dark ones as his, were cold, with a faraway look in them, no warmth from happy days to fill them up. They were always that way now.

He was on the third chapter when he heard the unmistakable sound of a door being burst open, and heavy footsteps, and he stilled, his fingers clenching the sides of the book hard, praying desperately: not today. Please, just not today. But he knew what those sounds meant: his father was back, smelling of liquor, and Severus would be lucky to get out of reach of his father's striking hand.

Then a yell made Severus jump: "Eileen!"

It was immediately after that that his mother quickly opened the door to his room, her face fearful. " Severus, go."

He did not need to be told twice. He crossed the room to the window, opened it, and climbed out onto the front yard. And he ran.

He didn't stop running until he reached the playground, only a few minutes away. When he first saw the girls, they were standing side by side near the swings, looking down at something on the ground.

"Ugh, it's ugly." The tallest of the girls said, her blonde hair piled up in a high ponytail.

The other girl didn't say anything. She had dark red hair that reached her shoulders.

After a second or two, Severus watched as the blonde-haired girl screamed.

" It's moving towards you, Lily, it's moving towards you!"

Severus edged a little closer behind a nearby bush, and he saw what they were looking at. It was a small black spider.

The red-haired girl jerked away from it as it scuttled towards her, jumping closer to the swings, and what happened next was completely unexpected.

The girl had only jumped up a few feet as she tried to get away from it, and all of a sudden, with Severus not believing his eyes, she was hanging from the top horizontal pole of the swings. It was a leap that a girl her height could never make.

"Lily!" The blonde-haired girl uttered in shock, her attention now diverted from the spider, which was now crawling away at rapid speed in the opposite direction, " How did you get up there?"

The girl named Lily swung her left leg around one of the end poles, edging her way down. She looked as shocked as both the blonde girl and Severus felt. " I don't know. I was just trying to get away from the spider."

Then both girls turned their heads upward in unison, looking at the top pole.

Severus knew exactly what the girl ( Lily, was it?) was then. There was no doubt in his mind that she was a witch. He had done the very same kinds of leaps when he had wanted to get away from something.

The girls only stayed for a few minutes longer, all the while not noticing Severus crouched behind a bush, then left to go home. Severus stayed for half an hour more, still marveling at how there was a witch his age living nearby. And she didn't even know she was such a thing!

When he returned home, though, his happiness faded quickly. He had barely walked through the door when a very strong hand grasped his shoulder, dragging him further in.

He only had time to register his mother leaning on a chair in the far corner, her hand up to one side of her face, her hair a mess, and her eyes widening at the sight of Severus.

"Tobias, please. He has nothing to do with this."

Severus looked up into his father's face, which was lined with rage, and he practically felt himself turn pale.

"He has everything to do with it, woman! He's the same as you!"

Severus knew what that meant. His father despised the fact that he and his mother had magic, and showed just how much every time he had the chance.

"Tobias, please!"

His mother had barely uttered her plea when a blow to Severus's face knocked him to the floor, his eyes watering.

"Think you can sneak away from me, boy?" His father yelled, and his foot collided with Severus's side hard.

"Stop it!"

Severus looked up in time to see his mother attempt to pull his father away from him.

"Get off me, woman!"

His father flung his mother to the floor, a good few feet away from where Severus was lying.

Severus closed his eyes and braced himself for the next kick that was sure to come, but to his surprise, it didn't. A door slammed, then all was silent except for the sharp gasps of breath that came from his mother.

He opened his eyes.

His mother stared back at him, tears coursing down her face.

He stared back, but did not cry.

Later that night, while lying in bed, bruises, he was sure, already forming on his head and side, his thoughts turned to the girl he had seen at the playground earlier that day.

The girl that he already had something in common with.

The girl that, if she knew what she was, could be his friend.

_Lily. What a pretty name._

**II.**

During their first year at Hogwarts, Lily had to go home for the Christmas holidays.

He, however, chose not to.

But her being gone, if only for a couple of weeks, filled him with disappointment. He much preferred her, a hundred times so, over Malfoy, Mulciber, Avery, and his other fellow Slytherins.

It was as if Lily had read his thoughts, for she looked up at him from across the table in the library.

"Two weeks will be over really quick, Sev," She said reassuringly.

He let forth a small smile. " I know. It's just going to be really boring here without you, though."

She smiled back at him, as if to understand, and he was grateful that she didn't inquire as to why he wouldn't visit his parents as well.

But he could still see the lingering question in her eyes when she looked up at him from her book a minute later, and he carefully evaded them afterwards.

The next day, when it was time for her to board the train home, he walked with her as far as the entrance hall, where others who were going home had gathered.

She turned to him.

"Have a happy Christmas, Sev," She said, smiling, " I'll send you some of my mum's homemade peanut butter cookies; you'll love them."

He smiled back, trying to appear cheerful for her, even though he was quite the opposite. " I'm sure I will."

She grinned, then reached over and hugged him.

After a few seconds she withdrew from the embrace. "See you in two weeks."

"Yeah."

The students were filing out of the entrance hall doors into the whirling snow outside, and with one last smile, she moved to follow them.

_I'll be counting the days_, he thought, and as she looked back at him, he could tell she had got the message.

**III.**

Lily, during summers back home from Hogwarts, had never once visited Severus's house. That was because Severus had always made convincing excuses. And also, he was sure she had heard about the loud yelling and noises that constantly came from his house. The first time she had ever asked him why he didn't invite her to his house was after their second year, when they were sitting together on the swings at the playground that had become their favorite place to go when back home for summer.

"Sev?" She had asked.

"Yeah?"

"Why do you never invite me to your home? You always come over to mine."

Her last sentence was true. Severus visited her house a lot, much to the annoyance of her sister, Petunia.

He had thought carefully about what to say, but then he had felt that he really had no choice but to tell her the truth, just watered down a bit.

"My parents don't like company."

"Oh." She had answered.

After that, she never brought it up again. That was one of the many things he liked about her: she never pestered you about anything.

He did his best to make sure she would stay away from his house, for the truth was, not only was he afraid for her safety, he was afraid of what she would see. He was afraid that afterwards, she would never look at him the same again, that she would pity him. And he wouldn't be able to bear that.

But one late summer afternoon after their third year, she showed up at his front door. And she showed up on a really bad day too.

While he did get taller and was not as defenseless as he was when he was younger, he was still no match against his father.

So when Lily knocked on the door, Severus was already sporting a black eye and a severely cut lip.

As he heard the rapping on the door while he clutched his face, cringing away from his father's looming figure, he was momentarily confused as to who it could be. But as his father pulled open the door, he saw her standing there in blue jean shorts and a green t-shirt.

"Hi," She said, looking apprehensively up into his father's annoyed face, "is, er, Severus here?"

Severus reached the door quickly, dodging past his father. "Come on, Lily."

He was horribly embarrassed; he could feel his face flush a deep red.

One of his deepest fears had just come true: her seeing him like this.

He grabbed her arm and pulled her after him as far away from his father as he could take her.

He pulled her along the front yard , then onto the gravel road, and she hurried to keep up with his pace.

"Sev! Sev, wait! Where are we going? Wait, you're going too fast!"

Now he stopped. He didn't know how he could look at her now, with his face as bad as it was.

"You shouldn't have come to my house," He said, turning away from her.

But she caught him by the arm before he could do it. "Sev… your face."

Her voice was full of shock and horror, and he couldn't stand it.

Slowly, knowing he couldn't avoid it any longer, he turned towards her.

She gasped, bringing her hand to her mouth. "Oh, my God. Was that man your father? Did he do this to you?"

He said nothing, for what could he say?

But his silence was enough for her.

"Oh, Sev."

She brought her hand to his bruised eye, trailing her fingers carefully over it, and when he winced she winced too.

He could cry now, if he wanted to. In fact, it was probably the best time to do it, now that someone who really cared knew about the horrors he faced at home every day. But he didn't.

Instead, she cried for him.

**IV.**

He made sure to get the perfect gift for her birthday in fourth year. He saw it in a shop in Hogsmeade a few months before, and he saved up money to get it. He hoped that she would like it.

They walked out of Potions class together, and his stomach twisted in nervousness.

Before he could reach in his bag to give Lily her gift, she turned to him.

"What'd you get on the essay?"

They had just gotten their essay papers back minutes before.

He held it up for her to see.

She sighed. "Outstanding. Of course."

He smiled. "What'd you get?"

She looked at him with a mischievous smile, a smile that always made his heart pound, pulled the paper out of her book, and showed it to him, the big red O bouncing off of it.

"Ah. I should have known."

She laughed, putting her paper back in her book.

Now was the time.

He reached in his bag, pulling out the small square-sized present.

"I've, er, got something for you."

She stopped walking, as did he, and he handed it to her. "Happy Birthday."

She grinned. "You remembered my birthday?"

He could sense how flattered she was. "Sure. I wouldn't be a good friend if I didn't, would I?"

She took the gift and he watched apprehensively as she opened it.

When he saw the surprised look on her face, he breathed a sigh of relief.

"Sev, it's so beautiful."

She pulled the bracelet out of the box, the little green emeralds glinting.

"It matches your eyes." He blushed right after he said it.

She slipped it on her wrist and looked up at him. "Thank you. It's great."

Then she moved closer and kissed him swiftly on the cheek, something she had never done before.

For the rest of the day he was deliriously happy.

**V.**

Fifth year is when something broke between him and Lily. He called her a mudblood. If he could take it back, he would. In a heartbeat.

But it was too late now; the look she gave him when he tried to convince her that he didn't mean to call her that name told him that quite clearly.

In his dreams, that look on her face haunted him to no end.

He thought she would be impressed with him for planning to join Voldemort, that she would see that he was brave, much more brave than he had been on the summer day she discovered his bruises. Maybe, when she saw this, she would love him.

Apparently, he was wrong.

He didn't want to give up, though, so he continued to catch up with her after classes, begging her to listen to him, telling her that he was sorry, so sorry.

But every time he tried she just turned away from him, and after a while he felt that they were complete strangers.

It hurt more than anything, much more than all the abuse he had suffered from his father.

**VI.**

Two years went by and they never spoke.

It was very lonely without her.

He once thought, desperate after one too many failed attempts to talk to her, that he should tell her how much he loves her, how he always has.

So he followed her out to the courtyard, ready to make her listen to him, ready to do anything to prove that she was all he thought about.

But as he followed, another person joined Lily by her side.

Severus would know that face anywhere.

James Potter. Oh, how much he hated him.

But he didn't care. He would tell Lily anything in front of James Potter. Whoever saw, it didn't matter.

Then, Severus saw something that tore his heart open, leaving it to bleed inside him, never to be mended.

James leaned down to Lily and kissed her. When he pulled back, she was smiling, her green eyes shining.

She looked happy.

He turned, walked away, and didn't look back.

When he graduated, he became a Death Eater.

**VII.**

_I'm so sorry, Lily. I'm so sorry._

It was all he thought, over and over like a broken record.

It had been years since he saw her. The last time he saw her was at graduation day at Hogwarts. She was with James Potter and his crowd.

He had not known anything more about her after that. He had no idea that she had married James, that they had a son together.

And now, he, single-handedly, unwittingly prompted Voldemort to hunt their son down, all of them down.

Voldemort was going to kill them.

He told Dumbledore to protect them, and he could only hope that Lily was all right, that she would always be all right.

If anything happened to her…

He couldn't bear to think it.

But now, he was on his way to Dumbledore.

Dumbledore had asked to see him, and Severus's heart pounded wildly.

When he arrived, Dumbledore's grim face did nothing to lessen his fears.

"What is it? What has happened?"

Dumbledore merely looked at him, his face set in sadness. "Severus, it's Lily."

Breathing was hard for him now. "What about her? Is she all right?"

"Severus, Voldemort found them at Godric's Hollow. Both she and James are dead."

The sound turned off the second after Dumbledore said 'Voldemort', and he staggered towards the chair opposite Dumbledore's desk, slumping down in it.

Lily was dead all because of him. She's gone… forever.

He brought his hands to his face. He didn't care who was watching, all he knew was that Lily would never breathe again. She would never laugh again, nor would her eyes ever shine again. Never.

He couldn't control the moans of despair issuing from his mouth, and Dumbledore was silent through all of it.

Minutes later, Dumbledore told him that Lily's son had survived. Miraculously, Voldemort was unable to kill him.

Dumbledore asked him to promise to help him protect Lily's son, the boy who has her eyes.

The boy who was the only thing left of Lily now.

He promised, with all of the remaining heart of his that was not torn and broken.

**VIII.**

The boy's name was Harry, and when Severus saw him he saw James Potter all over again.

He disliked the boy from the start; he knew this boy was also Lily's son, but he kept feeling that liking the boy would have meant liking James Potter, the man who was in the place Severus had so wished to be in.

He had to see the boy every day, and it was more torture than he could ever have imagined.

He had thought that seeing a part of Lily alive would be reassuring to him, but it only made things more unbearable, for the boy's eyes…the eyes were what he couldn't stand the most. He used to love them, the beauty of the green, how they shined so bright when Lily smiled, but now they were just a constant reminder in front of him of what he had done. The fact that if only he hadn't opened his mouth and said the words he wished with all of his heart he could take back, Lily would be alive now. He would rather see her alive and well with James Potter for a husband than murdered and becoming bones in the ground.

So he showed the boy his dislike for him, showed him that he was not going to be appreciated, and over time, when the boy's eyes are upon him, they are hardened.

That's the way Severus preferred them to be, for if they were any other way, they would remind him of the way they looked when Lily was happy, understanding, or sympathetic. The only time she ever looked at him with eyes like that was when she had told him that she had chosen her own way, and that's the look he deserved now. That's the last look in those eyes that he saw, and after all he's done, they are to be branded in his mind forever.

**IX.**

He apparated to the playground, not really knowing why. Every time he returned to his home in Spinner's End he was very careful to avoid going near this place, but now, he felt it couldn't be avoided any longer.

He looked around the playground, his eyes coming to rest on the two pairs of swings that he and Lily so often played on.

He could remember those days with the drop of a hat.

"_I bet you can't fly out any higher than me," He said, pushing himself back and forth, higher and higher, bracing himself for the jump._

"_Oh, yeah?" Lily taunted, matching him in height, her red hair whipping about her face, "We'll just see about that!"_

_They jump out at the exact same time, soaring through the air in a way that a muggle never could, landing gracefully on the ground with their laughter entwined._

He gripped the pole of the swing-set hard, shutting his eyes tight. He could still hear her laughter as if she was right beside him.

All of the things he never told her… he only hoped she could forgive him for everything.

But she can't forgive. She's dead, and therefore is not capable of forgiving.

The sobs wracked his body, sobs he had never let out before, not even through the abuse his father inflicted upon him, not even through the news of his mother's death, not even through the news of Lily's death.

But now, he couldn't stop.

And he couldn't help but wonder, through cries that no one could hear in this deserted place, whether Lily was watching him now.

_Look at what you've become_, she would say.

**X.**

The boy looked down at him, and Severus saw the shock on the boy's face.

He, however, through the pain, wasn't shocked, for the closer he was to death, the closer he was to Lily.

And now, that was all that really mattered.

He had done his best with protecting the boy, and now, there was nothing left to be done.

The key to defeating Voldemort was in his memories, and he gave them to the boy, his final act complete.

He saw Lily in the boy now, more than anything. All traces of James Potter were gone, and now, it's really only her.

The last thing he saw was green.

And the truth was, he wouldn't have preferred it any other way.

_FIN._


End file.
